Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Lost

If feel lost.  As a mom you have been caring for your child since they are in the womb. Nurturing and caring for your child's every possible need.  Once they are born their very life is dependent upon what you do for them.  As they grow older your role shifts and changes but your ultimate responsibility is to keep them safe and happy and guide them in the right direction. Once they start going to school things change and they are a little more independent.  They hit junior high they start pulling away.  It hurts but you understand. Once Blake hit high school he was back to himself.  I think he was finding his way in Jr. high.

We have always been a very close family.  From the time Blake started sports we were at every practice and every game he had.  Blake has played baseball, basketball, soccer and football.  He has been in gymnastics and participated in track.  There hasn't been much down time since he has been 5.  But we didn't mind and he has loved it.  I've asked him if he regretted being so busy with sports and he told me that if he could play more he would.  My point is nearly every weekend has be busy.  He was is select baseball from the time he was 9 years old and before that it was all stars.  Those were some hot summers but were a ton of fun!  After Blake's sophomore year in high school he decided he didn't want to play football anymore.  We supported his decision.  I mistakenly thought woohoo I will have the fall to relax. WRONG!  He picked up fall baseball. 

Blake graduated in 2010 and I was really worried I would fall apart but then my dad moved in and I was busy with him because when he got to our house he was very sick.  He ended up in the hospital before Thanksgiving and was in there for about a week.  When I got him back home he went down hill twice and I had to drive him to the emergency room 3 hours away where his Dr.'s are. He was admitted and eventually went to the nursing home for December and part of January.  When we got him home he was doing great. He has had a couple spells but nothing like what we went through last year.  I know what to look for now.  With Blake's first college being so close we got to see him every weekend even if it was him just dropping off his clothes and picking them up. Or we would go see his game or go take him out to eat. So it wasn't like he was gone really.

This year Blake has moved to Poteau, OK and is going to Carl Albert State College.  The baseball coaches really wanted him and he was very excited about going.  We were torn.  We were supper excited for him.  How could we not be.  After being red shirted last year he couldn't wait to get on the Field and play ball. I did fine until the Saturday.  I would cry but only when no one was looking.  Sunday as Blake and I were driving up there I cried but, I tried not to let Blake see it. Monday was fine Michael came up that evening and we were all together again.  Tuesday. Oh, Tuesday.  I cried after I got up and got ready and he held me and let me cry it out. I cleaned up again.  We got him moved in.  Took care of some stuff and when we left I just held on to him in the parking lot.  Not wanting to let go but knowing I couldn't hold on forever.  I let him go and didn't stop crying for hours.  I would fall asleep and wake up crying.  I know that is probably over the top but, he is the only child we have. We have lost so many family members it scares me to let go and just let him be the almost 20 year old he is.  I do.  But I don't like it.

During the week I'm fine. I work over 40 hours a week.  I take care of dad in the morning before work and tend to him in the evenings.  It's really not much. He eats and drinks and have have to empty his potty but over all it's not hard.  He sleeps quite a bit. So I still have a lot of time on my hands.

I have had trouble finding something to make me want to get up and do anything really.  That is one of the reasons I have started this blog.  I'm lost trying to find my way as my own person.  I've started taking pictures again.  Although I prefer to take actions shots.  I think it's because of all of the years I have been taking pictures of Blake in all of the different sports.  It's so exciting when you get a great shot.  Last year I got a Nikon D3000.  I know it's just a starter camera but, I haven't been into photography since I was in Journalism in high school.  Now I'm on the hunt to figure out how to take volleyball pictures of my God daughter without all the stinking blurry shots.  If you have any suggestions please leave them in the comments.

If you have any suggestions on how to get out of the mom blues for a lack of a better word let me know as well. Sleeping the weekends away isn't the answer!

Thanks for listening.  I hope to have a more up beat post next time.  Have a great week!

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