Friday, May 9, 2014

Lost

I feel so lost right now. Drifting in a sea of emotions. Hurting, proud, sad well probably just about every emotion.  I don't know if you or anyone has felt like this as your child grows up.  It feel's almost like a funeral. You have lost your child.  He or She has become an adult and you don't know where the sweet little thing that would crawl up in your lap and let you love on them, rock them, read book after book and play on the floor with them. How do you miss them going from an infant as they grow into a baby. You are so busy caring for them and being excited for all of the first that are happening that they are a toddler. First those sweet little legs are wobbly like Bambi on ice. They grow stronger and toddle around then stronger and are running so fast you missed them becoming kids. You think how did this happen so fast.  Little did you know that fast doesn't truly start until they start school and after school activities. You snap your fingers and they have graduated High School and are in college.  This is where my delima begins.

I have to say up front that I know I am luck that our entire family was very close up until recently.  Or that is the way I feel.  My guys don't seem to see it or feel this way.

My son is 22 and is an adult and is actually finally trying to push away and be the adult I know he already is. He is honestly trying to be as kind and gentle as he knows how to be but it hurts to know I am being cut out of a part of his life.  I know he will always be apart of my life but, this is a new chapter. A painful chapter where tears are shed and hearts ache.  I guess it's kind of like labor but you don't want to punch your husband in his naughty bits for putting this creature inside of you. (ha ha I never felt that way. It was just a funny thought in my head so I had to write it down.) This labor is a different kind of pain.

Where does a mother go on from here? I have been trying to give him the space I know he needs however, I keep crossing this invisible line. I am nostalgic when he is around. Apparently that is a trigger point. I don't know which way to go with him. It is like having pages added to a favorite book you could quote from start to finish. Or if you are a guy, it's like the prequels to Star Wars.  Something is NOT right.  I need to go back to the drawing board and rewrite or relearn in this case how to relate to this amazing young man.

My husband and son are still best friends.  They talk about all the guy stuff.  Sports, music, movies ect.  They don't ever seem to run out of topics. This makes me very happy.  And also a little hurt. I know it's petty but,  I want that relationship with my son. My husband tries to be reassuring.  I know my son loves me. I don't question that.

It is up to me to find the solution.  I am his mom and I love him with my whole being.  I would do anything for him.  Even let him go for a time.

I wish each of you are able to find that connection with each of your children no matter what the age. They are worth it and so are you.

Happy Mothers Day!

Jackie

1 comment:

Nolita Morgan said...

Aw, Jackie, I'm sure this is just a phase. I bet my sister who is in your same situation could relate. Her son got married in December after he moved to Tulsa for med school after college. There will be a different closeness I'm sure but I pray for peace and acceptance for you....and comfort during this transition. Write it out or express it another way. Paint with wine?

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