Lost

If feel lost.  As a mom you have been caring for your child since they are in the womb. Nurturing and caring for your child's every possible need.  Once they are born their very life is dependent upon what you do for them.  As they grow older your role shifts and changes but your ultimate responsibility is to keep them safe and happy and guide them in the right direction. Once they start going to school things change and they are a little more independent.  They hit junior high they start pulling away.  It hurts but you understand. Once Blake hit high school he was back to himself.  I think he was finding his way in Jr. high.

We have always been a very close family.  From the time Blake started sports we were at every practice and every game he had.  Blake has played baseball, basketball, soccer and football.  He has been in gymnastics and participated in track.  There hasn't been much down time since he has been 5.  But we didn't mind and he has loved it.  I've asked him if he regretted being so busy with sports and he told me that if he could play more he would.  My point is nearly every weekend has be busy.  He was is select baseball from the time he was 9 years old and before that it was all stars.  Those were some hot summers but were a ton of fun!  After Blake's sophomore year in high school he decided he didn't want to play football anymore.  We supported his decision.  I mistakenly thought woohoo I will have the fall to relax. WRONG!  He picked up fall baseball. 

Blake graduated in 2010 and I was really worried I would fall apart but then my dad moved in and I was busy with him because when he got to our house he was very sick.  He ended up in the hospital before Thanksgiving and was in there for about a week.  When I got him back home he went down hill twice and I had to drive him to the emergency room 3 hours away where his Dr.'s are. He was admitted and eventually went to the nursing home for December and part of January.  When we got him home he was doing great. He has had a couple spells but nothing like what we went through last year.  I know what to look for now.  With Blake's first college being so close we got to see him every weekend even if it was him just dropping off his clothes and picking them up. Or we would go see his game or go take him out to eat. So it wasn't like he was gone really.

This year Blake has moved to Poteau, OK and is going to Carl Albert State College.  The baseball coaches really wanted him and he was very excited about going.  We were torn.  We were supper excited for him.  How could we not be.  After being red shirted last year he couldn't wait to get on the Field and play ball. I did fine until the Saturday.  I would cry but only when no one was looking.  Sunday as Blake and I were driving up there I cried but, I tried not to let Blake see it. Monday was fine Michael came up that evening and we were all together again.  Tuesday. Oh, Tuesday.  I cried after I got up and got ready and he held me and let me cry it out. I cleaned up again.  We got him moved in.  Took care of some stuff and when we left I just held on to him in the parking lot.  Not wanting to let go but knowing I couldn't hold on forever.  I let him go and didn't stop crying for hours.  I would fall asleep and wake up crying.  I know that is probably over the top but, he is the only child we have. We have lost so many family members it scares me to let go and just let him be the almost 20 year old he is.  I do.  But I don't like it.

During the week I'm fine. I work over 40 hours a week.  I take care of dad in the morning before work and tend to him in the evenings.  It's really not much. He eats and drinks and have have to empty his potty but over all it's not hard.  He sleeps quite a bit. So I still have a lot of time on my hands.

I have had trouble finding something to make me want to get up and do anything really.  That is one of the reasons I have started this blog.  I'm lost trying to find my way as my own person.  I've started taking pictures again.  Although I prefer to take actions shots.  I think it's because of all of the years I have been taking pictures of Blake in all of the different sports.  It's so exciting when you get a great shot.  Last year I got a Nikon D3000.  I know it's just a starter camera but, I haven't been into photography since I was in Journalism in high school.  Now I'm on the hunt to figure out how to take volleyball pictures of my God daughter without all the stinking blurry shots.  If you have any suggestions please leave them in the comments.

If you have any suggestions on how to get out of the mom blues for a lack of a better word let me know as well. Sleeping the weekends away isn't the answer!

Thanks for listening.  I hope to have a more up beat post next time.  Have a great week!

Maverick our baby

Along with my dad's dog buddy we have our own dog Maverick.  You would think Maverick would be the name of a boy dog but no, ours is a girl.  Blake was 8 years old when we got Maverick from my sister and her family.  We got her one day before she turned 6 weeks old.  We allowed Blake to name her.  It was a choice between Cobra or Maverick.  I think he made the right choice.  

Maverick is a cross between a Shiatsu and a Collie. When her hair is short she looks like a puppy.  She is actually 10 years old.  She will be 11 in February.

I remember the night we got Maverick.  We picked her up at my sisters then went and spent the night with Michael's brothers place.  We stopped on the way and picked up food and the rest of the items you need to c are for a puppy.  We even picked up a laundry basket so she could sleep in it and not make a mess on the new carpet.  I don't know if she even weighed 5 pounds.  She was so was tiny.  Anyway we all get settled in.  Blake slept in the living room with the puppy and I will be darn it that little thing didn't crawl out of that basket.  The only thing we could figure out is she must have used the cut out squares as stairs.  And OF COURSE she left a mess for us.  I felt so bad.  I did get it all cleaned up.

Blake Loving on Maverick just before he and I left to take him up to Oklahoma



We all adore our baby girl.  As a matter of fact she comes to me when I caller her baby girl.  This is the third dog we have gotten for Blake or at least they were supposed to be Blake's.  Somehow they all ended up being my babies.  I tried very hard not to have the same effect on Maverick but, I think she is the worst mama's girl so far.  The boys can be calling her to come to them and she will come to me.  They don't care for this a bit.  She is a Maverick.  She tends to do what she wants when she wants to.  We wouldn't have it any other way.

Maverick has been supper clingy to me since Blake has gone. She is normally lovey but it has gone way overboard lately.  Maybe she sinces me being sad and missing Blake and she is just comforting me.  She does do that.  She always knows when I'm upset either mad or sad.  She will crawl up into my lap and comfort me.   This is why she is our baby girl.  She takes care of us even when we don't realise she is doing it. 

I hope you have an animal in your life that can love and comfort you when you need it.



Happy Birthday Amy!

Saturday was my best friends Amy's birthday.  Amy and her family invited Michael and I to have dinner with them then go back to their house to visit for a bit.  It was a nice quite low key evening.  We laughed until our faces hurt.  You know it's a good evening when that happens.

Amy is on the left and I am on the right.  It was my surprise 40th birthday this past February.

Amy and I met back in May of 1991.  Amy was sitting out front of the apartment complex we lived in with her oldest daughter Katie that was 10 months old at the time.  Katie turned 21 in July.   I was 20 and Amy was 21 at the time.  We found out as we were talking that we were both pregnant.  She with her middle daughter Jessica and I with my only child Blake.  Four years after Jessie and Blake were born Amy had her youngest daughter Olivia.  She is my God daughter. From the day Olivia was born I have called her Lou Lou.  I have no idea why.  I adore all three girl.  They are like my nieces but I will always have a special place in my heart for Olivia.

When you have been friends with someone for twenty years you go through quite a bit of life experiences together. Through good times like having a child and sad times like losing a loved ones. Amy would be the one I would call.  I don't know what I would have done without her.

Amy, I hope you are blessed as much as you have blessed me over the last 20 years.  You deserve nothing but the best. Know I will always be here for you and would give my last breath for you.  I love you my best friend and my sister.

DAD

Today I would like to introduce you to my dad and his dog Buddy.  They both came to live with us on July 4th, 2010.  They were supposed to be just coming up to stay until my dads new apartment was ready that was closer to my sister and his Dr.'s in Temple.  Once he was here we quickly realised that he really shouldn't be on his own anymore.  Dad has COPD and congestive heart failure.  He is on oxygen 24 hours a day and has to use a nebulizer every 4 hours along with quit a bit of other medication in order to breath.  He was a smoker from his youth.  The crazy thing is he says he would smoke a 4 ft cigarette if he was able to.  But honestly I think he regrets not listening to the Dr.'s years ago.

Buddy and Ronnie my dad

Dad wasn't doing very well when this picture was taken.  His congestive heart failure was really giving him fits. Fortunately we were able to get him into his Dr. quickly and we upped one of his meds and he is looking better today.

Dad isn't able to do much so I bought a few Nerf guns.  We have had a ball with them.

As you can see he has a ball with those crazy guns.  I have been sitting in the living room with him watching TV and he has snuck one of those out and shot at me scaring me to death.  He just laughs.   The brat!  As you can see dad doesn't want anyone messing with his things so his area tends to be a mess.  But as long as he is happy and can find what he is looking for it's OK with me.

If you have anyone that is confined to one area I would suggest getting a Nerf gun.  They are a lot of fun.

Skype

This mama is loving Skype.  I love that I can still see Blake even if he is hours away from me.  I saw that he was on facebook tagging himself in some baseball pictures I had missed so I took a shot and called him. Michael, my husband was in the room so we all had a great conversation.  For some reason my video camera wasn't connecting but his was and that was good enough.  That boy is the light of our lives!

Here is a picture of our family after the game.  It was a long day so we are all sweaty!

Jackie, Blake, Michael

This is the young man that stole our hearts almost 20 years ago. If I new we would have another one just like him I think I might be tempted to go through all of this again.  I feel bad that I wasn't ever able to give him a brother or a sister.  Especially after my mom passed away and I leaned so much on my sister.  Maybe he will marry in to a big family who knows.

I have pictures of Blakes first CASC game!

Here are a few pictures of Blake.  It wouldn't allow me to load anymore than the four photos above.  I'm hoping the blog getter better as I learn what I'm doing.  Hope you enjoy these.

Blake goes back to College but this time in Oklahoma

Blake has started another "freshman" year of college at Carl Albert State College (CASC) in Poteau, Oklahoma. The baseball coaches really wanted him up there because they needed an outfielder and a lefty at the plate. Blake fit the bill perfectly. I have not watched Blake get that excited in a while. Blake was red shirted last year at Texas Wesleyan so it gives him an additional year of playing time. The only problem with Blake going to Carl Albert State College (CASC) is that it is over 4 hours away from us.

Blake and I drove up to Poteau on August 14th the Sunday before school started to get checked in and take care of a few things on Monday morning like books. Michael came up Monday night. Tuesday morning we finished getting school things taken care of and got Blake settled in his dorm and met his new roommate Dillon. Dillon seems like a great kid. It sure was hard to leave. I don't recall the last time I cried as hard as I did when I left my baby boy in Oklahoma. It just about ripped my heart out.

The Vikings had their first fall baseball game this past Sunday September 4th, 2011. Michael and I didn’t leave to go up the CASC until almost 3 PM Saturday evening. (We had to make sure my dad was fed and had plenty of snack and drinks until my friend Amy could come check on him a couple of times on Sunday. ) When we finally got to town Blake met us at the hotel. It was so great to hug him. I didn’t want to let go. He was in the middle of doing wash so before we got to take him out to dinner we ended up at the laundry mat for about an hour. I didn’t matter what we were doing as long as we were all together. After we finished the laundry we went to Western Sizzlin. We hadn’t eaten at one of those in ages. After we ate we went back to the hotel and Blake was leaving for the dorm before 11 PM. We were fine with that. He had a couple of games the next day after all.

We tried to sleep in because Blake’s game wasn’t until 1pm and check out was at 11pm. We got ready and went to lunch and got set up for his game. I have some great shots. I will try to get them up loaded. The team we played didn’t do well at all. Come to find out it was prospect/select club. It wasn’t even another college team. It explained why the kids on the opposing team weren’t fielding worth a darn. It took a while for anyone to get a hit because the pitching was slow. I know Blake walked once. Had a line drive to I think it was left center. He hit a grounder back to the pitcher. I think there was another one but I don’t recall. He made contact but didn’t get a hit sadly. Blake had a couple of great catches out in right field. I only have pictures for one of the catches.

No tears this time on the way home. To be honest I was a little surprised. Blake seems so happy that I can’t be upset anymore. I can only hope and pray he stays happy always.

Everyone should be as blessed as we are to have a son as great as Blake. I love you son. Good luck on the season. I know God has great things in store for you.